Unemployment

What a scary thing!  Just the thought of your husband losing his job is enough to make you stress.  Many, many people are living it right now in these hard economic times.  A forum that I participate in recently had a thread about family relationships and unemployment.  I thought it would be a good topic to discuss.  Mainly how to support your husband during a time of unemployment.

We've not BTDT for a long period of time.  When Doug lost his job, he found another one before the end date.  I have had him home for extended periods of time due to surgery.  He's been home for 2 separate knee surgeries/recovery periods and 1 illness/hospital stay/surgery/recovery.  All of those times he was home 3-4 months.  So I do know what it's like to have him aimlessly wandering around the house.

So much of a man's identity is wrapped up in his career.  He's the man, the provider (even if his wife works).  He has a routine, responsibilities at work, people that look up to him, work for/with him, etc.  When he loses his job, he loses that identity of himself.  And he's faced with the pressure and stress of finding another job, which is often a very hard thing to do right now.

And wham!  All of a sudden he is in your territory always.  Your routine will change.  If you do not work outside the home, your routine will really change.  You'll be together all of the time!  And as much as you love him and he you, you probably aren't used to being together all of the time!  Communication during this transition is important.  You don't want him to feel like he's a burden or in your way, but you will probably still need some space, ya know?  And it takes a while to adjust.  It normally takes me 5 weeks to get used to Doug being home, and then 5 weeks to get used to him being back to work.

And his self-esteem will be low, especially if it is taking a while to find a job.  So how can you support him?  Love on him!  Especially physically.  What can boost his self-esteem more than making love with his wife?  If all else is going wrong in his life, at least that is going great!  It also shows you love and support him.

There were 2 posts on the forum that I was talking about that were really good.  I asked permission to copy their replies, and here they are.

Daddy Otter had this to say:

There's a tendency for women and men to claim spaces in a marriage. It's not at all that a guy feels that he's not at home when he's at home, but when he feels some satisfaction or at least some sense of identity at work, that space can come to be "his" as much as home can.

Similarly, women who have the house to themselves with the kids all day while a guy is at work can come to see that space as their own. They may come to get their identity from being the one in charge in that space, at least from 8 to 6 or whatever.

That division of spaces can be very beneficial: it gives a woman and a man clear "areas" that they can take care of on behalf of the team.

But it can be extremely stressful when one or the other violates the spaces.

Just to give you an example of this: I teach college. My family after Katrina was living with my parents, and my wife and mother were very much in charge of the house while my dad and I worked most of the day.

At Christmas Break, though, it was hell on all of us, until we realized what was going on: it was their space, and they were used to being in charge, while I (who Am Somebody At Work) was relegated to the role of houseboy, opening jars, sitting awkwardly while everybody else seemed to have a place to be and a task to do, being sent with wry aren't-you-the-lovable-idiot-not-to-have-done-this-without-knowing-it's-how-we-do-things looks to accomplish tasks I really had no interest in...

It wasn't that the Women In Charge were intentionally being patronizing, but they had a system in place, a rhythm. Not to fall in with that rhythm was to make myself a bit of an intruder. But it was on them, I think, to include me in the system, and not merely make me the tool of their system.

I mention all this to say, It might be a good idea if you can start to see places and spaces and times as though they are not really yours. That is, you might reflect on the fact that having your husband do the things you want / need under these circumstances will take a little honest communication. He's not "just going to know" that noon is lunchtime for the kids. He's not "just going to know" that that means he should have the table clear and dishes done at 12:45.

And as you communicate these things I'm sure you'll do it in your best non-bossy manner: nothing's ruder than to treat him like a servant ("Take out the garbage") without including him in the schedule: we boys like the big picture, not just being told off to accomplish what are for us meaningless tasks. For a lot of guys it's helpful to actually get a written schedule and invitation: "This is what the kids' day and mine look like. Please be part of it while you can."

These are just thoughts. They might not apply to your situation.

 AppleKore (whose husband was unemployed for a year) said this:

Truthfully, until your husband gets a job, it's going to have to be all about HIM. It really does. Otherwise, you run the risk of losing a lot more than income.

You will have to mentally call it the 'new normal'. You will get less school done, and your house will be much messier. (or at least mine was--he's the messy.)

You may never get your life back! I haven't gotten mine back. When I get tired or sick or hormonal, I cry about this.

Here's what you'll get if you stand by his side, hold his hand, and become his greatest cheerleader.

*you'll get a man that will walk through fire for you.
*you'll get a man that calls you his best friend.
*you'll get a man that tells you his deepest held fears in the middle of the night.
*you'll get to stay married
*you'll become a woman worth admiring.
*you'll finally learn how to budget.
*you'll stop fighting about money...'cuz there won't be any.
*you'll look back at this time fondly. It will become one of those 'remember when' times.
*you will hold each other's hands and cry when the job thing finally comes through. Your kids won't understand why you are crying, at.all.

You can either choose to go through this together, or separate. And honey--he's going to go through it--with or without you.

It's the worse part of 'for better or for worse'.

I know this post was long, but I hope it was encouraging to those of you going through unemployment right now.